Thursday 11 March 2010
When I woke up this morning, my house smelled like death and sadness. I walked into the kitchen and saw what appeared to be a piece of petrified wood sitting in a bowl on the counter. I was like "What is this thing?"
Boyfriend: "What thing?"
Me: "The thing in the bowl that kind of looks like petrified wood covered in human skin."
Boyfriend: "Oh, I accidentally left my oatmeal in the microwave for 20 minutes."
Me: "And the microwave was going the whole time?"
Boyfriend: "Yeah. I meant to set it for three minutes and thirty seconds, but I must have hit an extra zero. I took it out before it caught on fire, though."
Me: "You waited twenty minutes without thinking 'this is way longer than three minutes'"?
Boyfriend: "I just thought that I must have missed the beep and then I was like "meh, I'll get it later.'"
Me: "I guess that's understandable. Did you get breakfast?"
Boyfriend: "Yeah, I had a tortilla."
Sometimes I feel like Boyfriend and I are retarded cavemen. All of our friends are going about their lives as normal, well-adjusted adults who cook their meals and live in clean, well-decorated houses, while Boyfriend and I are sitting on the floor eating beans out of a can with spoons we made out of tinfoil because we can't find any of our real spoons.
We bought a toilet brush back in September with the intention of using it to clean our toilets, but it is still sitting in a corner, encased in shrink-wrap.
Boyfriend: "What thing?"
Me: "The thing in the bowl that kind of looks like petrified wood covered in human skin."
Boyfriend: "Oh, I accidentally left my oatmeal in the microwave for 20 minutes."
Me: "And the microwave was going the whole time?"
Boyfriend: "Yeah. I meant to set it for three minutes and thirty seconds, but I must have hit an extra zero. I took it out before it caught on fire, though."
Me: "You waited twenty minutes without thinking 'this is way longer than three minutes'"?
Boyfriend: "I just thought that I must have missed the beep and then I was like "meh, I'll get it later.'"
Me: "I guess that's understandable. Did you get breakfast?"
Boyfriend: "Yeah, I had a tortilla."
Sometimes I feel like Boyfriend and I are retarded cavemen. All of our friends are going about their lives as normal, well-adjusted adults who cook their meals and live in clean, well-decorated houses, while Boyfriend and I are sitting on the floor eating beans out of a can with spoons we made out of tinfoil because we can't find any of our real spoons.
We always try to start being normal and responsible. Every week we have a little pow-wow and decide that we are really going to do it this time. We are really going to stop stuffing our candy bar wrappers in the couch cushions and we are really going to sweep the floor and scrub the toilets and clean things up when we spill them.
I keep hoping that one day we will magically morph into responsible adults like everyone else, but I'm pretty sure that we're going to either get eaten by wolves, become homeless or end up being featured on A&E's Hoarders. One of those. Possibly all of them. We will probably be the only homeless people ever to be shunned by the other hobos for our lack of organizational skills.
P.S. I want to sincerely thank all of the people who have been tweeting and emailing and stumbling and reblogging and Facebooking and Digging my posts. If things keep going like this, I might be able to spend the rest of my adult life drawing and writing stuff on the internet and then I never have to become a real adult! You have no idea how happy this would make me. I would be so happy that my body would probably explode but it would be okay because there'd be rainbows inside of me!
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. You are wonderful, crazy people.