But bacon can't just be mixed all willy-nilly with everything. Baconnaise should never have happened.
However there are certain things that exist in the world that every person enjoys. Some people don't know that they enjoy these things. Some people won't admit that they enjoy these things, but I'm pretty sure almost everyone, aside from Vladimir Putin and John Wayne Gacy, enjoy them.
Getting a zit is such a turbulent experience, emotionally. On one hand, you are upset because your face has been ruined. On the other hand, you get all giddy and start thinking "I can't wait until I can squeeze this thing! I hope it's the kind that squirts all over the mirror!"
If I was a spiritual leader of some sort, I would say "Think not about the blemish on your face, but about the mass of sebum and bacteria on your mirror."
I would say other things too, though. I wouldn't want my principles branded as "Zit Zen." But I think that is pretty much unavoidable now.
This one is very subtle, but I am convinced that it happens to nearly everyone
Next time you are using a mouse with a designated right-click button, notice the way you feel just before you get to right-click something. There is an almost imperceptible little celebration that happens.
5.) The Last Bite of a Waffle
You know the bite I am talking about. The one that is approximately three squares by two squares and it's stuffed like a turkey with butter and syrup. Not only that, but the waffle has been marinating in syrup for the duration of breakfast and some of the syrup will surely have soaked up into the interior of this glorious bite.
People say that there is no way to explain love and that makes me sad because obviously these people have never eaten a waffle or at least not a waffle with real butter and syrup and that is a tragedy. Either that or they have never experienced love, which is almost as sad. Almost.
There is a distinct feeling I get every time I pass the toy aisle at Wal-Mart. It's like if you were engaged to marry the man or woman of your dreams then suddenly decided that you needed to take a plane to Pittsburgh and the plane crashed and everyone died except for you and you walked away from the incident as a double above-the-knee amputee and that was the meanest joke ever but I still said it because I didn't even realize what I was saying until it was too late and by the time I noticed, it was already too funny so I just left it in there because it somehow lightens the mood when you find out that after the plane crash, the person you had loved is prejudiced against disabled people and he/she leaves you for a centaur and you somehow end up attending the same PTA meetings and all you can do is look across the room at your ex-fiance and the centaur and think "I used to be so happy..."
That's how the toy aisle at Wal-Mart makes me feel.
Sometimes I buy a toy and then I get a feeling like I walked across the room to the centaur and I said "bitch, I'm going to rape him because he is rightfully mine!" And then I realized that I had legs the whole time and I was never a double amputee and I don't actually have to rape my ex-fiance because he still loves me and we tame the centaur and keep it as a pet and it isn't even mad at me because I give it bacon beer all the time and centaurs love bacon beer.
I think this may be the best thing I have ever written.
P.S. I talked about blow jobs twice in one post. I get fifteen points.
COMPLETELY UNRELATED UPDATE: I'm totally going to start taking screenshots of my followers widget so that when someone un-follows me, I can find out who's missing and track them down and become all emotional on their blog. Then they'll log in one day and find this:
"WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?????!!! I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER, YOU FUCKING CUNT BASTARD!"
If you guessed that the phrase "fucking cunt bastard" was a trap, you would be right. Just try to leave me now, Asshole. I'm super creepy and totally capable of finding you.