Letters: Volume 1 (Descent Into "Totally Inappropriate and Actually a Little Crazy-Sounding" Territory)

Dear Readers;

I had a really creative spurt today.  I probably shouldn't say "spurt", but whatever.

Anyway, I wrote, like, 75 letters to things, people and myself.  It may sound stupid, but I promise that it's brilliant.  You'll just have to see it for yourself.

I swear to God, I was laughing so hard at myself that I got a headache.

You may be wondering what this is all about.  It's simple, really: I write letters to things, some of which are offensive (the letters, not the things. Except for a few of them) and then I post a few of them at a time and you laugh and tell your friends that I'm a genius and then I get famous and rich and I don't have to look for a job anymore because looking for a job is a fruitless and painful process that is making me feel like I should just become an alcoholic so that I at least have something external to blame my failure on.

Are we clear?


Thanks for reading.


Dear Me;

You sounded like an idiot just then.  You are confusing your readers and alienating them by pressuring them to make you famous.

It is not their responsibility.

Wait, yes it is - but you should make them want to make you famous instead of writing stupid little letters about how poor you are and how they should make you rich and famous out of pity.

I know that you have lost 4 pounds in the last two weeks because you can't afford real-person food, but you don't need to tell other people that.  They don't have money either and they'll just feel bad for being unable or unwilling to help you which will make them retreat into denial about your existence and then they won't read your blog.

It's kind of like how you feel about those starving-children commercials - which is a topic that pretty much every funny person in the history of the world has joked about, but you are going to go right ahead and do it too, just because you think you did it differently.  You didn't, by the way.  You just said some unexpected things afterward.  That's like putting a hat on Jesus and saying you invented Him (good catch with the capital H).  Stop being a pompous asshole.

Okay, I'll agree with you that it is a good idea to test out how people will react to the words "Jesus" and "asshole" before you post your other letters.  I know how excited you are to post them, so I commend you for showing a little self-restraint.  Your audience will appreciate the awkward-but-present segue into the more offensive and disturbing branch of your sense of humor.

Well, you better post some of those letters you were talking about.  Maybe post some of the really short ones. It'll be like a preview.  But whatever you do - do not post the Jesus one or the one about Mexicans.    I know, I know, I know - they really aren't that offensive, but people are really easy to offend and you want to be famous, remember?  You don't get famous by being honest - at least most people don't. Maybe Abraham Lincoln.  But not you.  You have to ingratiate yourself to everyone.  I know it's hard to restrain yourself, but just do it, okay?  Please, please, please, please do it.  Just for a little while.  Just until you find out how many followers you'll lose from swearing and taking the Lord's name in vain.  Pretty please?


I have done all I can.  I hope you choose to be smart about this.  Good decisions are like making a deposit in the bank of your future.  Really?  That's the best you could come up with?  You better hope that people think you are really funny because you definitely don't have a future in advertising or inspirational speaking.

Carry on.


Dear Cup;

Thank you for being waterproof.

I'll talk to you later!


Dear SuperBalls;

I am 24 and a half and I don't have a job.  Please stop looking so goddamn fun.  Thanks.


Dear Inventor of Watermelon-Flavored Things;

Have you ever eaten watermelon?

Just wondering...


Dear Me;

You did it!  You didn't offend anyone's religion, ethnicity, culture or sexuality!  I mean, if the inventor of watermelon flavor is one of your followers, he might be kind of pissed, but you managed to not offend people in swaths.  I think that is an accomplishment. Go have some cake.