Dear Cosmopolitan Magazine;
I have written a column about 100 ways to spice up your sex life. I think this piece would be a refreshing departure from your usual lineup.
I promise, you have never, ever, ever heard these ones before. These are completely new concepts. My article does not contain one single word that your readers will recognize from previous issues. I have most definitely not listed exactly the same things on every other list you have ever published except with a few bizarre twists that no guy actually wants done to him.
My revolutionary list entices the reader to "try massaging your partner's perineum with Neosporin" or "tie your partner up with a rope made from completely renewable resources that costs $4 more than other ropes" or "try exploring each other's erogenous zones - and do it while wearing a scuba mask and singing along to Sting's 'Every Breath You Take.'"
And I have liberally applied the concept of combining the word "sex" with other words. For sexample: sexceptional, sexorcism, sextraterrestrial, sexcommunication, sexistentialism, sexport, sextermination, sexaggerate, sextrapolate, sexponential, sextreme, sextemporaneous, sex (that's sex combined with ex - like if you had sex with your ex boyfriend, you'd say you had "sex." LOL), FedSex, complsexity, sextrovert, sexamination, sextortion, sexplosive diarrhea, Kleensex, Microsoftcore sExcel, sexcalibur, sexacerbate, sexalted, sexasperated, sexcavation, sexceedingly, sexcrement, sexcretions, sexcruciating, sexcuse me, sexcuse moi?, sexecutive branch, sexecutive power, sexecution, sExedrine, sexemplify, sexonerate and my personal favorite, which is the very embodiment of what your magazine is all about: sexfoliate. ISN'T THAT THE MOST AWESOME THING YOU HAVE EVER HEARD? I bet you are just shitting yourselves over being able to publish that word for the first time.
But that list is not representative of the magnitude of my actual collection of sex/word hybrids - it is just a sexerpt! If you want, I can sexplain more clearly. LOL (that means "laughing out loud" which I'm not really doing - more like chuckling or merely breathing a little faster, but still).
If you don't feel comfortable publishing such a reformative piece, I have also prepared a list of 10 Must-Have Items for Fall. Just a hint - it doesn't include an EPMotion automatic pipetting machine. Or does it??
You won't regret your decision to publish me.
Dear Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition;
Here is my submission:
Dear Time Magazine;
Anyway, you can visit my blog if you want to check out my qualifications. I think you'll find my style to be intelligent and engaging yet never heavy-handed. I address tough issues with poise and clarity while still maintaining the image that I am speaking directly to each and every American. I'm kind of like a younger, whiter, female-er Obama.