Stabbing, and on a Scale of One to 10, It's a Seven

What is the deal with Rick Moranis?

He's so Rick Moranis-y.

That will make a lot more sense later.  Maybe.

In the course of holiday socializing, the conversation often turns to life and what, in particular, you are doing with yours.  When this happens, I usually try to look like I can't be bothered to contribute because I'm listening so hard.  My gaze burns into the side of Boyfriend's head and I nod and squint my eyes like I was previously unaware of his occupation.  Oh my God!  That's where you go every day? I thought you were out giving blow jobs to support your crack habit... what a relief!

I start to panic because I know I'm next.  After Boyfriend has informed everyone that he is working on curing cancer, using phrases like "retrovirus vector" and "endogenous," someone will turn to me and say  "So Allie, what are you doing for work these days?"

Me:  "Me?  Oh... uh... I'm blogging?" 

I usually say it like I'm asking a question, like I am completely unsure of whether or not it is true.  Blogging?  Maybe.  It depends on how you feel about the subject.  I do know that there aren't any retrovirus vectors involved.

Friend:  "What?"

Me:  "I write a blog? On the internet?"

Friend:  "Oh... what is it called?"

In this moment, I frantically try to determine whether the people around me are the type to be easily offended by the word "fuck."  I try to think of some way I could test it.  Like maybe I could say "it's fucking called Hyperbole and a Half, motherfucker!!" But that might come off as rude.  I could lie.  I could tell them that I write a blog called "The Awesome Charity for Cancer and AIDS and Diabetes and Ebola and Other Deadly Things That Need Awareness Too Blog," but they'd find me out sooner or later and then I would never be able to see them again without having some long, awkward discussion about how they tried to check out my website but, for some reason, Google didn't show any results for "The Awesome Charity for Cancer and AIDS and Diabetes and Ebola and Other Deadly Things That Need Awareness Too Blog."  At that point, I'd pretty much have to bank on the fact that maybe they don't understand the internet and make up something about Google boycotting AIDS awareness.   No.  I have to tell the truth.

Me:  "Hypermehehshs nnd a Hsss...."

I try to say it really fast out of the corner of my mouth.

Friend:  "What?"

Me:  "Hyperbole and a smfl."

Friend:  "Hyperbole and a what?"

Me:  "and a Half?"

Friend:  "Oh!  What's it about?"

Me:  "Humor?"

Friend:  "Like what kind of humor?"

This part kind of feels like when you're in the doctor's office because your whole body hurts and you are pretty sure that you have ebola, but you don't want to offend the doctor by diagnosing yourself, so you just say "I'm in pain" and the doctor says "describe the pain..." and you say "it's pain-y" and the doctor says "okay... but where?"  And you say "Everywhere" and the doctor says "On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is the pain?"  And you say "Eight?" because you have no idea where the scale starts or ends, but you've never given birth, so you're pretty sure it isn't a 10, and maybe that one time you shut your fingers in the door was a nine and the time you got kicked in the arm by a horse was a seven, and eights sound reasonable, so you just blurt it out - but with a question mark in case you're wrong.  Then the doctor says "Is it a throbbing pain or a stabbing pain?" and you want to shout "IT FEELS EXACTLY LIKE AN EBOLA PAIN AND WE CAN'T WASTE ANY MORE TIME DISCUSSING IT BECAUSE I'M GOING TO BLEED OUT AND TURN INTO A ZOMBIE IN LIKE, FIVE SECONDS!!!!" Then the doctor says "Ebola doesn't turn you into a zombie..." and you say "What the hell kind of medical school did you go to??  They didn't even prepare you for a zombie massacre??"

But instead of trying to lead a doctor to the conclusion that I have ebola, I'm trying to lead my friends to the conclusion that I am funny.  Only I can't just tell them that I am "stabbing funny and on a scale of one to 10, it's a seven."  Because that doesn't make sense.

I usually end up saying something like "observational humor" and my friend says "Like Seinfeld?"

And then the conversation derails and suddenly we're talking about how I should start every post by saying "What is the deal with ________??" And I didn't even get to convince them that I'm funny and they are going to visit my blog expecting Seinfeld, but they aren't going to get Seinfeld.  They are going to get clown AIDS and Wolverine and Rick Moranis.

So I've decided that I need to come up with a good description.  Something that says "I'm funny, but that's just what other people think and I would never say that about myself because I'm modest.  And if you are terribly offended by Jesus jokes and the word 'fuck,' you may be disappointed with me, but can we still be friends?"  It needs to sound as cool as "retrovirus vector," but not quite as serious.  Like if you were to put a little hat on it and make it dance around to Ragtime.  Something that lets people know that I am not really at all like Seinfeld, but I appreciate his comedy and I hope to one day be famous like him which will definitely happen so they should watch their backs because pretty soon I'll be rich enough to hire my own mafia and then I won't need to explain my blog.