I should probably explain a little better. Remember how I live in Montana? And remember how montana is really cold? And remember how I can't afford to buy heat?
Anyway, Boyfriend and I are not prehistoric bear-people and we probably are going to die. We have been confined to our living room for three days now because it is the only room in the house that is warm enough for survival.
We covered all the doorways with another layer of quilts and wool blankets and we drew the blinds to block out a little bit of the cold that radiates from the window panes. Then we set up camp on the living room floor, rented all three Lord of the Rings DVD's and fought over who got to sit on the electric heating pad. I won because I'm a fucking survivor.
Our plan was to watch movies and never leave the living room. That sounded great until I realized that it meant I would have to sleep in the living room and not in my "panic room" and there was probably a fugitive or an orc hiding somewhere in the house and if I actually went to sleep it would come out and kill me and then I'd be like "I wish I would have slept in the panic room. It was a reckless decision to sleep in the living room" but it would be too late because I would be dead already and I should have thought of that before I let down my guard and slept in the living room.
I kept quiet until around 1:00 AM. That was about when we finished the Lord of the Rings DVD's and then I started thinking "Shit. What if orcs are real? There's probably one in the meth-cellar right now..." and at first I was just like "pshh, don't be silly..." but the more I thought about it the more legitimate it seemed and pretty soon I was almost positive that there was either an orc or a rapist or possibly an orc-rapist laying in wait in the darkness under my kitchen floor and I said "We should go upstairs..." because I really, really wanted to be in my panic room but Boyfriend didn't respond because he was already asleep and that made me feel even more alone and terrified of whatever was in the meth-cellar, so I tried to wake him up by jabbing him in the ribs but he just made a little sputtering noise and rolled over. I kept trying.
Me: "Hey! Wake up. Wake up. Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up..."
Boyfriend: "Hszzmmuh? What are they?"
Boyfriend: "What should we call them?"
Me: "The orcs?"
Boyfriend: (Silence punctuated only by a creepy smile)
Me: "What are you talking about?"
Me: "Are you asleep?"
Me: "Then what were you talking about?"
Boyfriend: "I don't know."
Me: "You are definitely asleep."
Boyfriend: (indignantly) "No I'm not!"
At this point Boyfriend tried to look at me to prove that he was awake but he wasn't actually awake and his eyes were kind of rolled back in his head and he was smiling like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" and it just made me want to be in my safe room even more so I said "WAKE UP!!!" and it came out way louder than I expected because I was starting to panic and then Boyfriend actually did wake up and he started to panic because I was panicking and he was like "What?? What's going on? Are you okay?" And I was like "I want to go to bed!" and Boyfriend said that we were already in bed but then I told him about how I changed my mind and I didn't want to sleep in the living room anymore because it was too close to the meth-cellar and Boyfriend said "well, we definitely aren't going to sleep upstairs" because Boyfriend is a huge vagina and he can't sleep when he's "shivering and probably almost dead."